THE ROOT OF SHAME

The Deal We Make With Evil #16

The Strong Shame the Weak

The majority rules in a democracy. Otherwise a king, or  a dictator, or a select group will rule. But justice must make equal provision for the rights of all. To rule is not necessarily to suppress, but it often happens—in governments as well as in families. Shame is a big part of it. A man can physically force his will over a woman. A woman can emotionally force her will over a man. Both can be desperate, both can be ruthless. Men and women shame each other with blame. Their children are also shamed.

In some families, the fathers abuse the mothers by force or with excessive control, teaching their sons to later do the same with their wives. Their daughters grow up to marry abusive men because it was normal for them to live like this. In other families, women emasculate their men with contempt, teaching their daughters to do likewise with their husbands, but their sons grow up to have contempt for women, with a deep-rooted misogyny. Their daughters are eventually abandoned when their husbands find respect elsewhere.

Racial groups shame and justify prejudice against each other through generalized blame. Political groups blame and shame their opponents. Through the lens of my shame, my wounded soul will be tempted to project blame on all who are like the ones who hurt me.

Some say that patriarchal systems and families are evil, let’s make them matriarchal. But this is a cynical tactic that politicizes sin. Matriarchal families and systems are abusive too. The real problem is that the strong oppress the weak, those with advantage take advantage, and those with power want more. Sin is sin, no matter who does it. But God calls everyone to loving submission—even Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:3 says:

 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife  is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

Socrates said: “An unexamined life is not worth living.” An honest  examination of myself through the eyes of others can be very revealing. So what am I really like under pressure? What am I really like when I have power? What am I like when I am desperate? What am I like when I have secrets I can use against others? What am I like when I am powerless? What am I like when I think no one is looking? God has condemned us to chew on the fruit of the Tree  of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, all our days under the sun. “You wanted it, now you’ve got it. I warned you!” To hide from this duty is to become a fool.

ASSIGNMENT

Column 4 on the Shame Inventory Chart: HOW DID I GET REVENGE OR CONSOLE MYSELF? Now you are going to start to learn where and how evil has planted bad code in your habitual response to triggers. The information below is offered to help you see actions and motives that may apply in your process. Use whatever may apply as you write your responses to each shame event in Column 4 on your sheets.

So ask yourself, in what ways did your sinful response change you from being a wounded victim into someone who wounds and makes victims of others?

FOR EXAMPLE: Did I steal something from you? Did I kill your reputation with slander? Did I tell lies to deceive you? Did I withhold love, respect, or affection? Was I violent? Did I try to control you? Did I destroy something you loved? Did I cut you off from my life? Was I passive-aggressive to get even? Did I manipulate or use you? Did I cheat you? Did I falsely accuse or exaggerate your wrongs? Did I abandon you? Was I disobedient? Did I break promises or contracts? Did I harbor misogyny against women? Did I emasculate men? Did I turn the tables on you when you were right about me? Did I make you bend your conscience to make you go my way? Did I provoke envy or jealousy in you to make you feel less? Did I flaunt my beauty to control you? Was I sneering and catty? Did I force what I wanted to be true on you without regard for the truth? Did I just ditch you?

How did I comfort myself?

FOR EXAMPLE: Did I medicate with drugs or alcohol? Did I binge on sex or eat too much?  Did I get satisfaction out of manipulation or using people? Did I put the blame on everybody else? Did I wallow in self-absorption? Did I look for free rides through being helpless? Was I impulsive in my spending and behavior? Did I baby myself with self-indulgence? Did I make myself superior by holding judgmental contempt? Did I preoccupy myself with my looks? Did I hide to avoid conflict? Did I shut down emotionally? Did I sabotage something good just because I could?  Did I withhold love or help or support? Do I need to be in dominant control to protect myself? Do I need to be helpless to avoid hard choices? Am I defiant to resist authority and accountability? Am I compliant to stay under the radar? Did I play the victim to control others with shame or obligation?

Apply your honest responses to each example in Column 4.